Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.