Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies