Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.