Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
three things we don’t talk about
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me