hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
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I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??