Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
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How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.