My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
mom gave me mine for free
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I think long & hard before using innuendo.