wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
More like Kate Missington.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast