Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN