Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
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Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily