Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
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Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.