me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
You Might Also Like
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE