*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
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It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.