Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
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Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.