BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.