i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Sing it!
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
A family that plays together cheats.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane