*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
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Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.