Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
This is what makes twitter great
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.