People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.