@weinerdog4life

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

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@TheAlexNevil

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@IGotsSmarts

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

@JoParkerBear

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

@imteddybless

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

@JessObsess

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

@WilliamAder

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

@Reverend_Scott

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

@eleniZarro

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy