@weinerdog4life
@TheAlexNevil All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
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@TheAlexNevil 
@The_MartiniGirl My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
@IGotsSmarts Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
@JoParkerBear Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
@imteddybless haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
@JessObsess I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
@WilliamAder My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
@Reverend_Scott ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
@bransonreese Beauty and the Beast
@eleniZarro Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy