You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

You Might Also Like


All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.


Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.


Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.


haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho


I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.


My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.


ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.


Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy