Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
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Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach