Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Proctology is located in A55
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha