What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
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If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
What about second breakfast?
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Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
can’t catch a break
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What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Do furries go to doctors or vets?