Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
ready to be harvested
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.