[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.