“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.