me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Based Erika
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.