The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
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When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
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Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted