convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
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i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
brian had himself a morning…
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter