i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
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I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave