Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
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FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
constantly working on myself.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]