Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on