My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
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No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.