My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
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Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I already tried new things thanks.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My first child will be named New Folder.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.