Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say