Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
![]()
You Might Also Like
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Monday
![]()
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
😂😂
![]()
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
God has left this place
![]()
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.