Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.