Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
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I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
tinder is all about the long game
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.