girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
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I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.