girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
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ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
twitter users today:
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Haha good job!!
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets