girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.