[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me