Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
how much for the angry fruit?
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.