I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.