The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
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This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.