son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
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*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them