I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.