Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.