Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
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They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Has science gone too far?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.