Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.