The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
how much for the angry fruit?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
So that’s what we looked like?
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office