I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
You Might Also Like
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time