*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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What a year we’ve had this week.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
me and who
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary