any last words?
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6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married