I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
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I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out